Musings of a Burlesque Dancer

[Dita Von Teese]

Well, here I am, competing in a celebrity modelling competition.

"But Dita, your photos are all sexy and naked! Why would you want to compete?" You may ask. Well the answer is really interesting. I want to show everyone that us sexy girls have something to offer. I really think people will underestimate me, because they have this preconceived notion that all I have to offer is super, sexy naked stuff. But I actually have a lot to offer that these girls don't know I have. My main concern is that some people, including judges won't see past that pre-conceived perception of me, and will judge me harshly because it's "too sexy", even when there's very little sex appeal.

I hope I can turn this out!!

[Dita Von Teese]

So, while I wait for this first photoshoot, I might talk about my competitors.


You know, the thing about Amy is that she has such a versatile look. She is capable of both high fashion and commercial modelling. I guess that could be said for most actresses, but what Amy Adams has that a lot of others do not is that beautiful auburn hair.


I really can't say much about Ashley, really. Her forte is definitely beauty. She can perfect those beauty photos with her great bone structure and green eyes. Whether high fashion or commercial... But you can't survive in a modelling competition on just beauty alone.


Britney is probably one of those girls, who like me, people will underestimate for being trashy. Like me, though, Britney has a lot to offer. She has a few tricks up her sleeve, I'm sure. Britney though sometimes doesn't photograph as young as some of the others.


I am absolutely unconvinced that Danielle has the goods to make it past the first photoshoot. I know that sounds really harsh, but I don't think her portfolio is large or versatile enough to get very fair. I'm thinking she'll be out if not first, then second.


If played right, you know I think this girl could really have a shot. Her photos may not be the most versatile, but nevertheless, she does have a few gems hidden in there. I think she could pose a threat to many in the competition. I actually went though Eliza's things... I found this book: 1001 Advanced Sexual Positions. I think I'll read it later.


Like Danielle, I'm not convinced Emilia will make it far. Granted, she does have one or two great photos, but it's all to do with what our photoshoots will be. If we get an unexpected photoshoot, she could be in trouble.


Isn't she just a sweet looking girl? She sort of reminds me of Jennifer Lawrence. Emily actually has a limited, but strong portfolio, so it will be interesting to see how far she will make it. You know I saw this picture of her wearing a see-through top with jewels covering her nipples. My first reaction was "I want that top!"


She has a beautiful voice. Physically, do you know who she reminds me of? ... Nicki Minaj. Maybe they're secretly related. Ooh conspiracy! I'm actually putting her in the same boat as Danielle and Emilia. I don't know how long she'll last.


You know, I had a little chat with Kate before. I think she's selling herself short. I don't think she realises how strong a competitor she could be. She has many great photos, and that sweet girl next door look.


This girl is great. Obviously, she's a big name in Hollywood, and everybody would want to photograph her for their magazines. Her portfolio is absolutely amazing! I'm going to have to pull out all my tricks to even stand a chance up against her!


The one thing I love most about Kristen is the fact she's probably the only other person here who can pull off that retro-vintage look. She has a pretty decent portfolio, but my biggest worry for her is that it's really generic. If she can use the right photos - Yeah, she could definitely do it.


Her look is so French, and that definitely works in her favour. Everyone else sort of has that American girl look to them. Plus, she is huge in France! There's no doubt she'll pose a threat in this competition. She is absolutely beautiful.


Monica is another girl who doesn't have that all-American look, but rather a Continental, Mediterranean look. I'm a little unhappy about Monica being here, to be honest. She was a fashion model in Milan before she became a celebrity. On one hand, one might argue that I was a model before I became too, and shouldn't be allowed to compete neither, fashion and glamour are two different things (I mean, I can't go submitting photos of me naked, bound and gagged, can I?), and besides, first and foremost, I'm a burlesque dancer.


Rounding up our exotic trio is Penelope Cruz. Something that Penelope has over the other two is recognition in the USA. She might have more photos that are more appealing to the judges tastes than the other two. That's definitely a huge advantage.


You know, after reviewing the last three girls, Sophia seems to be a bit of an anti-climax. Her portfolio is kind of bland to me, especially compared to the three ladies before her.

If I had to predict a top 6 now, I'd probably think.

Amy, Penelope, Monica, Marion, Kirsten and hopefully myself.

Now let's read that book.


Oh my! ... I don't think even I'M that flexible!

[Dita Von Teese]

Well, I was going to be the nice girl of the cycle, but obviously, I'm already the bitch. Just look at my karma. I mean, a smite before the challenge, and two after. That would be -3 now, right? What kind of preconceived notions do these girls have about me? Honestly, I hadn't done a single thing to these girls, and already I'm hated?



I am really outraged over Amy Adams' early elimination. It was all really wrong. I have expressed that I believe Danielle's was the weakest of the water group. Amy's elimination was totally and completely undeserved.

For that matter, I believe the two weakest groups were Earth and Fire. It should have been Kristen eliminated, but frankly, I'd be happy with Jennifer going. Telling me to take a chill pill when I'm simply expressing how I feel. Quite rude, honestly. If it were her being eliminated, and me being outraged over her departure, I doubt she'd be telling me to chill out. But anyway... ... Where was I? ......


......

[Dita Von Teese]

Talk about drama last week! These girls don't like honesty, it's not what they like to hear but it's the only way people actually learn.

Speaking of drama Penelope basically called me a selfish and ugly bitch, which looks like a man. To me it sounds a little like jealousy, completely, but really, jokes on her. I live my life to the fullest and don't hold back. YOLO U NO?



Anyway, she took me aside later and told me never to pity her because she hates pity. Honestly, because she hates pity, I really, truly do pity her. What would a world be like without pity? It would be an awful place, let me tell you. You'd have no charity and you'd have no love. What a pity!

I'm also thinking maybe people will be thinking I won't make it far, but really, I have a lot of photos to offer. Yes glamour is my strongest point, but everyone will soon see, I can be quite versatile. And not just in photos, if you know what I mean.

[Dita Von Teese]

1. Well, I must say I was shocked to see Penelope in there, but happy to see her out of the running. One less competitor to worry about, especially one that could've been a real threat.

2. Well, there's definitely Kate, Kirsten, Marion and Monica. I think Britney and Eliza could bring it too.

3. Honestly, Danielle and Jennifer. I had them going week 1 and 2.

[Dita Von Teese]

Here we are with another week, and with four girls out of the competition, we are 1/4 the way through! I bet some people weren't expecting me to make it this far. I'm more than just a stripper, I'm a celebrity! People look up to me, believe it or not, because I'm proud of who I am and my body.

I must say, I'm a little relieved Penelope is out of the competition. I wouldn't've eliminated her for it, but it's still not the most unjust elimination that's happened this cycle. Besides, Penelope got on my nerves. She wants to live in a world without compassion. I couldn't imagine living in that world. So obviously, we should not express our sorrows that she was eliminated, because she hates pity, and we'd just be pitying her, obviously.

This photoshoot... I could have taken the easy way out and played the sign of sex, Scorpio, or the sign of the woman, Virgo, but really, where's the challenge in that? I could have chosen my own sign (Libra), but I think the expectations for that would be too obvious - no, I tell a lie, i don't have anything Libran, but from memory, I do have something that resonates Gemini on first glance, well if you knew it was for a Zodiac shoot. I'm actually sure that would be the case with all the photos. I saw the photo I first thought of for this shoot, and I was like "I need to use that somewhere," because I thought it was really comedic. I hope I can keep up my good work in this competition.

[Dita Von Teese]

: Hello Dita the Second

: I'm Dita the First, I believe you are mistaken!

: I'm Dita the Second we just discussed this, Dita the Second... OH! DAMNIT!

: I'm Dita the First!

: I'm Dita the First!

: I'm Dita the First, YOU JUST ADMITTED that YOU were Dita the Second.

: As you can see, we have some beautiful inside jokes here.

: Yes, especially since there's two of us contestants named Dita.

: It's a great place to play!

: And a great place to socialise!

: Oh! It is Dita, I totally agree!

: Yes, I think we agree on a lot of things.

: We're best friends, as you can tell.

: Do you know who I think is very sexy?

: Well, that'd be MORGAN FREEMAN!

: THAT'S RIGHT!

: Ahhh. Morgan Freeman *swoon*

: Speaking of sexy, Dita the Second, I think we did a good job in this last photoshoot.

: Yes, I agree, since there WAS two of us after all, it was been a very sexy picture!

: And it was poor Emilia who got the boot.

: Oh isn't that sad?

: Yes, it is, Dita the Second, after she was saved last week!

: Oh the irony in that! Also, and speaking of sexy, guess what the next photoshoot is!

: WELL! I believe it would be SEXY!

: That's right, Dita the Second, I guess we will rock this one again, won't we?

: We will just pose like if we were seeing Morgan Freeman, right, Dita the Second?

: I'd imagine we would, Dita the Second, I think we have this shot in the bag!

: Oh Dita the Second I'm ready for my photoshoot! *completely naked*

: Wait a minute! I'm Dita the First! I should be the one in this photoshoot! Besides! We aren't allowed to show any of our private parts! Cover up!

: Oh, yes! I forgot, Dita the Second! But I think you'll find that I am the more attractive and sexy one of the two of us, so naturally, this photoshoot is mine!

: IN YOUR DREAMS DITA THE SECOND! THIS PHOTOSHOOT IS MINE! ... I'm sorry, this may take a while folks, come back later.

[Dita Von Teese]

I suppose I should make another confessional, it's been a while.

I must say, I am really shocked that I escaped elimination by the skin on my teeth... Even though teeth don't have skin, but that's kind of beside the point. I didn't think my photo was all that bad, or that looking like a doll was such a bad thing. Doll looks are all the rage in fashion nowadays. I'm sure a Dita doll would sell well. Maybe I should launch my own range of dolls! With flexible tummies so they can wear corsets. That'd be kind of cool. Let's do it.

And the muses week, what can I say? I was fabulous~ Although, I'm kind of with Hayley with her comments that I'd take it looking more like a work of art over an artistic photograph as a compliment over a criticism. It kind of reads as "This is too good to be true! I would hang this above my mantle in my salon!" It just doesn't ring as something that could be a bad thing to me, so comments about that really confuse me.

This week, the challenge, and the photoshoot, I don't want to sound cocky, but they're made for me. I am well renowned for my street style, being retroesque. Not to mention I have high fashion spreads in magazines from Canada, Russia and Australia. Speaking of which, how about a little preview from the shots I'm looking at?



Can I just say... HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S STOVEPIPE TOP HAT! LOOK AT THOSE PRICES! These prices are in Australian Dollars, which are worth more than a US Dollar!

The first one costs $132,980.75+USD all together, BUT THE SECOND ONE! A WHOPPING $1,054,678.25+USD!!!! I can't believe I didn't *accidentally* walk away while wearing any of that stuff! That's just mindboggling to be wearing so much money!!



(( PS. I said in my critique thread last time, that I own a corset IRL. HERE IT IS!!!

))